Friday, October 8, 2010

That one stinkin' word

It's almost been six months since I have added anything to this site. A lot has changed in that time and I almost feel like a different person. So much has changed: my job status, my free time or lack there of, my kids, my house, my husband's role, the list could go on forever.
It's 1213 am and the thing I am usually doing at this time of night is working. I love my job, the joys of it, helping someone through the sadness of it from time to time, the time to have adult conversations with other women, the chance to use my education to think through what could be effecting the positive or negative outcomes of a patient's condition, even the adrenaline induced high of an emergent situation. I have always said that I wanted to have a career to "fall back on" when the kids were bigger. I don't think it's really "falling back on" at this stage in the game. Right now it's more of an additional roll. I am still the mother, the home-maker, the wife, the boo-boo fixer, the to-be-tween consultant and now I am a full time employed out of the home woman. I have never prided myself on being able to do all of those things at the same time with ease. I can usually do one thing great 100% of the time but I am not very good at doing all of those things even close to 50%, 50% of the time. Being a woman is not easy. I feel like at times I am so busy with all the things that I feel I should do that I don't even know what I need to do. In addition, I often find myself feeling like I am living in a bubble where I can see everyone else, am watching everyone else, but I can't touch them or engage with them because I am stuck behind this clear plastic, humungous bubble without an exit or an entrance. Even to type that makes me feel overwhelmed and saddened by the role I am in, the location I am in, the lifestyle I am living in. If you would have asked me 20 years ago how I thought my life would have been many of these things would have been the same: the kids, the husband, the career. I don't think that 20 years ago or even 2 years ago I could have imagined what being a working woman out of the home and in the home simultaneously would feel like, look like, taste like, sound like, live like. I know that everything/everyone needs an adjustment time, a time to get in the groove, establish the routine, weed through what works and doesn't work. I know and am once again reminded that patience is the skill I need to get to a comfortable, manageable life. It always seems to bring me back to that one stinkin' word
(Disclaimer: I get emotional and beat up on myself a lot when I am switching from nights to a weekend off. It will look better in the morning)